elvita nurul

hai kak, apakabar?
udah lama gak ketemu ya
udah gak pernah smsan lagi, wa-an lagi, bercandaan lagi, ngobrol lagi, ngegaje lagi
kak, aku kangen banget sama kakak..
kakak kemana sih? kenapa gak pernah masuk kuliah lagi?? kok kakak gak pernah ngasih kabar???
aku kangen kak, di kampus jadi bener bener gak enak, gak asik, gak seru, gak kerasa apa apa lagi dan aku jadi kesepian soalnya gak ada kakak.. apa kakak masih sakit?? maag nya masih sering kambuh kah? udah jadi periksa lebih lanjut ke dokter belum kak?
dan kalo pun ternyata kakak emang udah ga kuliah di ub lagi, kok gak ngabarin aku sih kak? kenapa gak kasih tau aku?? kenapa gak kasih kabar sama sekali ke aku?
sure life is indeed mean, but it gets meaner without you, kak. im struggling and surviving alone here, dont you know? actually i need u the most kak especially in this kind of time, where everything gets tougher and tougher for me. if i go through all of this with you, sure it will still be tough but at least it will not feel so bad because i have you here with me. but you arent here with me anymore, so it feels so fucking bad kak, to have to go through all of this all alone, all by myself, and it gets / it feels worse and worse every single fucking day. where are you kak? why didnt you tell me whats up with you now? why did you never reply to my text again? did you forget me?
aku tau kakak gak akan baca tulisan ini,aku cuma pengen kakak tau bahwa dimanapun kakak sekarang, apapun yg kakak lakuin sekarang, aku selalu berharap dan berdoa yg terbaik buat kakak. aku tau kemungkinan besar pasti kakak udah lupa sama aku, kakak mungkin cuma nganggep aku sebagai 'another friend from that one time' tapi insya allah aku gak akan lupa sama kakak. aku selalu anggep kakak spesial,aku bahkan udah anggep kakak udah kayak kakak aku sendiri. makasih ya kak udah mau jadi sahabatku walau cuma 2 semester. makasih buat waktu yang udah kakak luangin buat aku, waktu waktu yang (buat aku) menyenangkan dan gak terlupakan selama kakak ada sama aku. makasih karena dulu kakak sering bgt nolongin aku kalo aku lagi ada kesulitan di kampus. aku minta maaf ya kak kalo selama kita barengan aku ada banyak salah sama kakak, aku masih perlu banyak memperbaiki diri.

akhir kata, sekali lagi, makasih banyak, kak.
semoga kakak lekas sembuh.

Idk

Yes. I can sense that my biggest fear is going to happen. I can totally see where this leads me. That I’m gonna end up like her. I’m gonna end up feeling all sad and miserable here. I’m gonna cry often. I’m gonna spend my next four semester(s) with sadness and tears. I’m gonna suffer for the next two years. I’m gonna feel all alone and lonely all the time, and with my only friend’s leaving me, leaving the college, it would only make this worse. I’m gonna be real stressed, maybe I could even encounter deep depression. I’m gonna get judged and laughed all the time. I’m not gonna have friends at all. I’m gonna still be left and abandoned even when I tried to change myself and engage with them.

Many people said “face your own biggest fear”, but the thing is can I really do that? I don’t even know if I could face this biggest fear of mine. I don’t even know if I could handle or bear the pain from all this. But at least I can be certain of these things; maybe I was fated to be alone. Maybe I was fated to be an ultimate loner. Maybe I was fated to not be able to have friends, no matter how often and hard I’m trying to change and to interact with them. I gotta brace and prepare myself.

Maybe “having friends” just wasn’t for me.