2019

Alright, before I start, first let me take a deep breath.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

OK. Here we go.

In this occasion I'd like to tell you all a perfectly devastating story about one particular year, one year so unexpectedly horrifying. One year so goddamn pressuring that even just by looking back at it drained the fuck out of me. One year so horribly depressing that just by memorizing it made me feel extremely painful and uneasy. One year where I felt completely numb and worthless almost all of the time. One year that was such a massive, extreme downer–full of total failures, an awful lot of bad choices and wrong decisions, and a bunch of almosts that ended up to never happen. One year where I felt all of my struggles and efforts were worth nothing, totally meaningless. One year where I felt really abandoned, invisible, lonely and rejected all in one. One year where I felt that I actually reached the lowest point of possibly, my whole life. Not even in 2011 and 2012 where I got the worst class and classmates at grade 10. Not even in 2016, where I had to be in one class and put up with some of the absolute worst people in college. Not even in 2018, where I terribly struggled to finish my undergraduate thesis at my bad situation and condition that time. The only good months of this year were only January, February, March and maybe a little bit of October. The rest of it.....no words.

It started out alright, I felt like things were gonna be okay. I had fun on the first 3 months of the year. Then came the time where I got a job and instead of getting a memorable actual first job, it felt like a hellhole. Not long after that I quit and struggled to find another job, hoping that this time I would actually get a decent, suitable job with a more supportive and conducive work environment. I waited for so long, I applied to so many job vacancies but it always didn't seem to work and it eventually got me down. In times like this was where I felt highly devastated, frustrated, pressured, disappointed, stressed and drained out, and just feeling extremely low in general. I broke down and cried heavily so many times, feeling like a waste of space, like an absolute piece of shit.

When I finally got another job, turned out that it was the same situation I had with my first job. So again, I felt extremely awful and worthless. A couple of weeks after I got an invitation to work out of town and I felt relieved, I felt like I finally had hopes again. But when I actually started the job, I discovered that working out of town wasn't exactly better either. Instead it made me feel extremely empty and lonely, just awfully numb. So then again, after a couple of weeks I finally decided to get back and tried to, again, seek for a job here, but of course I failed over and over again even though I felt like I already gave a full on all out effort, really just the best of me, but still, it all seemed completely useless and meaningless.

So here I am right now, torn between feeling extremely traumatized, scared shitless towards the new year and having the faith to gather all crumbles and pieces and start over in 2020.

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